Thoughts from Johnathan

One of the things God has really been teaching me this week so far is that we humans, as creations in His image really can’t rely on our feelings very much. This seems to be true even if our desire is only about Him. I am learning that feelings can be trusted, but that we must trust our situations more. No matter how we feel, God decides to put us in situations He desires us to be in. Those situations are very often uncomfortable for us, but to really allow ourselves to be taken by God’s presence and trusting in the situations He puts us in, for me at least, has been one of those ultimate characteristics of obedience. Faith, hope and love are some good things he gave us, but the greatest is love. The situations I have been in here at Beach Reach have not always felt comfortable. I have wanted to jump out of the van a few times just to get away, but the toughest people to love for me sometimes is the people I used to work so hard to fit in with. Even though I want no part of the desires of the flesh, all those memories come back concerning the corpse I was yesterday. I have always seen love as an action and not a word, and it really never meant the extent of what it does now before getting saved and even as it has been redefined through my relationship with my significant other. Regardless of any feeling I have, The ultimate trust in God is simply to let Him take me into these uncomfortable situations where I am continuously reminded of that corpse, of that broken me. I don’t wish to ever be arrogant again like I was when I was 15, but the world sometimes lays it down on us to listen more to our feelings of hurt that the faith in God that is capable of coming through from it. Ever since I was baptized in October I have come across so many challenges that I was so blind to before. I am so much more aware of my surroundings along with the feelings I feel. It is so true that the decision to allow Jesus into your heart makes such an impact, but nothing fulfills the holes of our hearts like giving up everything just to walk in the way of the lord. It sounds so crazy, love is somehow defined by the way Christ denied his own glory for just a few moments in the eternal time spectrum to show us how he cares for his people. If not for that moment of Christ placing his full concern on us, we may have never acquired the perfect example we have to live by. It is never easy to walk the walk, but if I am not seeking the lord, what am I worshiping? I find myself here in Panama City without my other half, and all I can think about sometimes is how I miss worshiping God through that relationship. So much of me is missing and lonely at night because I cannot hold onto the one Christ set in my life to marry. In some way, that brokenness reminds me of why I am really here: to worship God. Maybe I have been riding that line of worshiping my significant other, or maybe I have been giving less to God because I desire to show my love for Sonya. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have realized in just a few short days that I am really not myself without her, and I don’t always know who I am without her. The only identity I face in the mirror each morning is the heart of Christ that wishes to live through me. I think maybe I lost track of how to do that without my wife, or maybe I have a new identity that is really not my own and I am just confused on how to show it. Regardless, I am rejuvenating my life for Christ, and my love for my wife is growing exponentially though she is a thousand miles away. How could I leave behind the most important sheep in my life, just to go save a bunch of lost ones? I sometimes struggle over why God puts me in the situations that he does, and not matter what I feel, capitalizing Gods glory through these situations is the most obedient worship I can do. I really hope that the connections I have made thus far have opened the hearts of God’s people. I have shared John 3:17 so many times with folks, but I have never lost sight of how much my flesh still desires the craziness of the lost. In the name of Christ, I simply thank God for these uncomfortable and sometimes unwelcoming situations he leads me into. I find joy in you God, but I still miss my home in heaven with my wife.